Feeling Inadequate At Breastfeeding(*)

Around the time of our first child's birth an extremely conventional acquaintance (hereafter known as J) of mine left work to give birth to her second child. Our circumstances couldn't have been more different - J was happily booked in to a consultant-led unit, we were fighting to have a home birth; J was looking forward to every pain killer going, we were focusing on entirely non-medicated pain relief; J saw child-birth as something you had to get through to get another child, we'd (probably deliberately) blocked out all thoughts of the consequences of child-birth and were instead concentrating our energies on the labour.


Despite holding very strong "alternative" views, I'm not generally a proselytising hippy, and so didn't try to hold a discourse with J about her chosen course. Instead I wished her genuine luck in getting the birth she wanted, but felt that we couldn't learn anything from her. I was almost correct: She did tell me something that keeps coming back to the fore of my mind - she admitted that she felt smug when bottle-feeding her first and watching other new mothers struggle to get to grips with breastfeeding, who one by one gave up and turned to the bottle.


At times I too have turned to the bottle whilst we've been breastfeeding our two kids. Feeding fractious, tired, fussy, colicky, uncommunicative children is emotionally draining as it is, but introducing a nipple into the equation is just asking for trouble. It's no wonder that so many parents abandon the path they feel is right, but which is overgrown with brambles, nettles and spitting wildcats!

The figures on breastfeeding success rates are complicated. Unicef figures for the UK[1] from 2005 suggest that at six weeks old only 21% of babies are being exclusively breast fed, compared to 35% at one week. The figure drops to 7% at 4 months, and 3% at 5 months. However, the distinguishing word here is "exclusively". Unicef published the figures as part of their drive to reduce the number of babies who were receiving a "top up" forumla feed, but it also appears to exclude those children who are being introduced to weaning at an early stage. In 2008, other figures suggested that less than 8 in 10 new mothers breastfed their newborns, with the figure dropping to 20% after 6 months.[2] This seems a more likely figure, but highly depressing.


So I'll admit it: I feel inadequate at breastfeeding. And so does my wife.


The thing is, and I don't mean to underplay the huge difficulties faced by breastfeeding mothers here, there are some great support mechanisms for a mother wishing to feed her baby in as natural a way as possible. Midwives, Health Visitors, Doulas, La Leche League and other BF support groups all play a vital role in improving the BF statistics by supporting, encouraging and sympathising with BF mothers. And in any loving relationship, partners too will have their role to play in making breastfeeding as easy as possible for the mother of their child.


And yet, I have never found a dedicated support mechanism for those partners. So here's just a few of the problems that I've faced during the times that my wonderful (and long-suffering) wife has been breastfeeding:


A feeling of helplessness
A friend of ours has described my wife as a birthing Goddess. Z's only complaint during our first child's birth was "Oh, that hurt!" when H decided to exit with his hand raised to his head giving a cheery wave. Second time around, I don't recall a single complaint during labour. But bloody hell did she suffer afterwards with the cramps brought on by her uterus contracting. For those not in the know, these are generally considered to be much worse at second and subsequent births, and are heightened when oxytocin is released, especially so during breastfeeding. So the first week or two of M's life was spent with Z howling in pain every time she breastfed. After that came combinations of mastitis and thrush. And every time Z howled, winced, gasped, dragged M off the boob, I felt completely helpless (not to mention at least 50% responsible!).


A sense of disconnect with baby
Mother has boobs. And they work. Even if partner does have them, they are highly unlikely to release milk (although it's not unknown, as a friend kept pointing out while looking pointedly at me and her partner). And that's no use to baby. Baby wants milk, therefore baby wants mother. In many of the breastfeeding families I know, partner tries to balance out the workload by taking on the responsibilities of changing nappies, dressing baby, and getting baby to sleep. All things baby frequently doesn't want. Which makes baby want mother more, and partner less.  And this often leads to a profound sense of disconnect with baby.


Loss of connection with partner
At the worst times, both of our children woke during the night to be fed every hour. Z was frustrated at being woken this often, I was frustrated at being woken on most of those occasions, Z was frustrated at my ability to fall asleep again almost instantly, I was frustrated at having my beauty sleep disturbed before a hard day at work. Not to mention the absolutely crippling exhaustion. And so, unsurprisingly, we both got ratty with each other at times. And that's before you take into account the lack of time you have to yourselves. I don't know the figures on partners becoming absentees in the first few months of a child's life, and I'm frightened to research them. I can only imagine how horrendous they are.


Jealousy
I'll hold my hands up to this one straight away. Even though I consider myself to be an earthy father, I was jealous of both of my children. Putting aside the frankly shallow fact that I find my wife's breasts to be magnificent and wouldn't have minded a bit of time for nuzzling them myself, it's the real loss of exclusive time with her that caused me to be green with envy whilst she fed our children. And that made me feel like the worst bloody partner and father in the world.


I don't intend or wish to sound like a martyr by listing these problems, but to highlight that partners of BF mothers can face real issues whilst providing support. And if you're one of those partners, and are struggling to find support, I hope you take some comfort from the following tips from somebody who's been there:

• You're not helpless. Whether it's simply getting your child's mother a glass of water, a sandwich, a biscuit, reading to her, or winding your child after the feed - you're helpful
• Tell your partner that she's beautiful. She might not have showered in days, have hair from an 80's rap video, bags under the bags under her eyes and be threatening to cut off your testicles as soon as she can get her hands free to wield a pair of scissors, but she's feeding your child. Of course she's bloody beautiful
• Let your baby see you as much as possible. When she gains a sense of independence from the boob, she's going to look for new relationships to form. And you will be the first person she finds
• It's not forever(**)

So to all BF mums and partners out there, bless you. You're doing a bloody amazing job.


Smellyhippy


(*) Blogger lost my first effort on this subject, so what you see is mostly rescued from my cache. If there's an error or omission, I'm blaming Blogger. 


(**) I know everybody says this, but it really is true. To be honest, once baby has weaned, partner suddenly becomes flavour of the month. There's probably some very complicated theories out there about why this is, including the opinion that baby begins to expand their horizons and create new relationships. In my case, it's because I was the one who gave our son all the foods he wanted, rather than those he should have!

Disclaimer:
Unless you idolise Maggie Thatcher, drive a Ford Fusion or don't slow down going past moored boats, Smellyhippy never intentionally means to insult you. If he has, he's terribly, terribly sorry, and no doubt karma will ensure that his car gets a puncture, or his dog will ask to be let out in the middle of the night, or he'll lose his boat keys.... again...., or something.


[1]http://www.babyfriendly.org.uk/page.asp?page=21
[2]http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/2504707/Breastfeeding-rates-in-England-among-lowest-in-Europe.html